Thursday, March 05, 2009

Normality - can I have mine back please?

I just cannot seem to find it or remember what exactly normality is!!

The last three weeks have seen my world change drastically.

Firstly, a long history with me and my sister (some of you already know of it) but in a nutshell she hasn't really spoken to me for a few years - basically pushed me out of her life for her own reason and I don't know what that is.. I have learned to live with this but it hurts. Sadly, I do not have a close relationship with my nephews especially the youngest one (2) as he doesn't even really know who I am. This hurts me because they are my nephews and my kids are suffering also - my kids are missing out on growing up with their cousins, my kids are missing out on their aunty.

Secondly, three weeks ago my sister decided (don't know how hard she thought, mind you?) to kick her husband of 9 years out. Okay I know that this is her choice but she won't explain why she made her choice. Now I know that he is not a wife beater, not abusive emotionally or physically, adores her and their four boys (under 11), works full time, helps around the house, cooks, does washing - what more can I say? All she is saying is "because I wanted too!" aaarrrrgggghhhhh

Thirdly, I thought I would do the right thing as a sister (even though quite estranged) and visit her, offer my support and just to show her I was there. So Sunday morning we called in unannounced armed with a huge bunch of flowers and a very nice support card only to end up arguing due to certain circumstances I just wish I had not seen. The boys were with Jamie so I knew she should have been alone ~ she wasn't. "He" was there and in her bedroom. But although what I saw didn’t look good she continued to tell me “nothing was going on”, “why doesn’t anyone believe what I am saying?” and all the time I stood there looking at her I didn’t vocally judge her or pass comment but stood there actually thinking that she just out rightly thinks that I am stupid enough to believe her.

Fourthly, I had to tell my mam what I had witnessed. I knew that I couldn’t not tell her. And of course, with her anger and disbelief of the situation (not with what I had told her) she had to then speak to my sister. After my sister speaking to my mam and having a humdinger it was my turn to be in the firing line (which I expected and was just waiting for). She rang me enraged and we had a massive argument on the phone - which I am sure that all my neighbours would have heard. She accused my mother and I of “having nothing better to do than to talk about her behind her back” to which I replied “we have no option as you obviously don’t want to confide in us” and then I continued with a few more home truths, I am sure that she didn’t really want to hear.

Fiftly, Noel tripped/slipped on Monday night landing on his back and cracking a vertebrae and is suffering from huge swelling, bruising, pain and of course struggling to walk or get comfortable. I spent the last two days at home with him, which also included a six-hour stint at the emergency department making sure he really was okay and also having the required x-rays.

Sixthly, I had to get my BP checked yesterday and after 22 weeks of juggling tablets, trying new medications and finally getting my BP "perfect" it has gone up again. Not majorily but up. I had expected it too. I even told Noel that I didn't want to have my BP checked. Now instead of going every four weeks I am back to a fortnightly appointment.

Needless to say that, my world has really been rocked this last few days more than it ever has before (with the exception of the death of my father, of course). I don’t know what my feelings are, what my thoughts are, what I should be doing or even if there is anything I can do to help/change the situation. I have cried, I have screamed, I have yelled, I have sat in silence and now I am exhausted physically, mentally and more then ever emotionally.

I am sure that in time everything will right itself and that I just have to ride the storm.

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