Friday, December 05, 2008

Finally I was strong so why do I feel like shit?

After picking myself up off the floor on Wednesday because my sister rang me to actually thank me for my nephew's birthday card that I sent, we had a little chat and then she asked if me and my family would like to go for dinner at their house the night that Mam arrives. Now that pissed me off.... here we go again "happy families" because Mam is here! I told her I would see and get back to her.

Anyway after mulling over my options since Wednesday I finally made my decision.

I rang her this morning. It was hard as I tried to be strong and sound positive whilst holding back tears. I thanked her for her invitation, told her that we would not be coming because I don't want to play "happy families" anymore just because Mam is visiting when she cannot be bothered to contact me any other time of the year and basically that I have given up trying to invite them for dinner, etc. I did say that I wished more than anything that we could be friends and even sisters.

All she could say was "I know what you mean"!!!

I suggested if she wanted to discuss this just the two of us could go for a coffee if she wanted to.

The phone conversation ended with "will talk to you later" then the dial tone! No goodbyes just a hang up.....

I know that something needed to be done as I cannot continue with all the heart ache and the hoping that the situation will just miraculously change one day and we will behave like a normal family again.

In a way I think I may have acted selfishly and put my feelings first but it hurts to know that she is so close, wants nothing to do with me, doesn't want to interact with me or my family and only contacts me for special occasions (birthdays etc.) or when Mam is down visiting hence the "happy families" label!

Not only do I feel sorry for me though.... it's not all about me! I feel sorry for the 6 kids involved. My kids don't know their cousins and their cousins don't know them!!! They are going to grow up not knowing each other and that is really sad!!!

The only thing I regret about the phone call is that I didn't ask her what I did to make her not want to associate with me or my family?

It's not going to change, I know that now.... and although it hurts I must get on and enjoy my life!

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