Moving on....

The past few days I have spent doing some serious thinking mostly on a personal level. There has been quite a few discussions, a few phone calls and many moments of solitude.

As several of you know and many have read, there has been some major dilemma's in my family not only recently but over the last few years. Many of these dilemma's have been long winded and some still unresolved.

The problem I have is that I just want to fix everything, make everything right and ultimate have peace and happiness surrounding me.

Alas with this latest installment in my life, the separation of my sister and her husband, I have come to realise that my magic wand does not work nor does it actually exist!

I cannot no longer worry about my sister until she reaches out to me for help or support or friendship. The fact that I am offering and wanting to help is not being recipricated by her and is actually emotionally effecting me. I see no future with this relationship as it stands at the moment, as upsetting as it sounds I have to let go.

But thankfully without the use of magic, I have a wonderful relationship with my in-laws Ann and Ged. They are of such a help emotionally and fantastic support to both Noel and I. I know that I can talk to them, discuss with them so many aspects of my life and I thank them for being so kind as just to listen. Not to mention that they have a very special and close bond with Oliver and Alexandria.

I am also grateful for the relationship that I have with Clare, who is like a Clayton's sister in law. I say this because she is more like a real sister than one that is related only by title. I love her to bits, chat as often as we can and party like there is no tomorrow when we are together.

Through all the ups and downs that Sean has had in his life with Vicky, we are finally building a relationship with them and their son, Christian. It is a wonderful feeling and I am looking forward to what the future holds not only for them as a family but for all of the family as a whole.
And as you all know my mother is my best friend..... we have a wonderful relationship which at time is more than mother and daughter.

So without the aid of magic, I must move onwards with my life, with my husband, with my children and with my family. For they, along with my mother, are my world.

What's going on with our Claire???

Life is just not right and definately at times not fair!

I have been holding off on posting anything about this topic purely because of my lack of knowledge on the subject but it is really bothering me.

My sister, Claire and her husband Jamie have seperated although not everyone knows. It has been several weeks now. After 9 years of marriage and 4 children apparently "it's just not working anymore" and hasn't been for a long while. This saddens me.

Not only I have always look upon my sister, her lifestyle and her family with jealousy and admiration but due to the fact that Claire and I aren't as close as normal sisters should be I had no idea of what was really going on.

Seven years younger than me, and for what I saw I always thought she was happy with her lifestyle. She was young when she met Jamie, I think around 16 but they have been together ever since. As I mentioned she has 4 young boys (Kyle 10, Stuart 8, Wesley 5 and Angus 2) which are her world, she has a house, a social network, involvement in the school and kinder, positions on severeal committees, a candle business (party plan), morning and afternoon teas with friends and a most of all a husband that actually adores her. Obviously what I see isn't the same as what she does.

I haven't caught up with her yet and it is hard enough getting to talk to her on the phone. When we do speak she's more interested in what is happening with me and my family while I am trying to find out what is happening with her. Needless to say our conversations are going around in circles.

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I really want to visit her but not sure of how the reception will be. Selfishly, I don't think I could emotionally handle her lack of sisterly love at the moment. I have battled many demons regarding my relationship with my sister and have always blamed it on something I have done or the person that I am. Finally, with the help of Noel, my mam and my close friends, I am coming to realise that maybe it's not me, maybe it's not my fault but in all truth although I am nearly okay with it I am not 100% convinced as yet. Maybe it's all that she has been going through these last few years is why we don't have a sister to sister relationship? Who knows?

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She is not very forthcoming with information about this situation to me or with anyone else for that fact (actually she is not a very forthcoming person at any time). To be honest what she is saying isn't really making that much sense or providing any genuine reasoning behind her decision. That worries me a lot as I am a firm believer that "because" is not an answer to a question if you know what I mean. There needs to be something solid, some reason why she has decided to end her relationship, an icident or an issue that is leading her to turn not only her life upside down but the life of her husband and their children. Don't get me wrong, I will support her depending of course on some certain circumstances but she needs to be honest and open with me.

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Although our relationship (for that reason I am not aware of?) has been distant and almost non-existent I don't want her to think she has to do this on her own. I want her to know that I am here for her, that we are all here for her and that we love her no matter what her decision is.

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The only thing I am praying for is that she does make the right decision in the long run....

There IS more to life!

Selfishly I have been focusing on what I now consider to be petty problems.

Unlike a work colleague of mine. His wife, a wonderful lady, has been diagnosed with primary breast cancer and also secondary cancers in various parts of her body. Yesterday I was informed the diagnosis is 6 - 12 months and that's with treatment.

My heart and thoughts go out to Fred, Wendy and their family.

Needless to say I have spent the last 24 hours really reassessing the way I look at life. The way I focus too much on negative aspects and too much on things I have no control over.

Okay so my sister doesn't want to have anything to do with me, that's her problem - right? Why should it stop me getting on with my life? Why should I spend hours wondering why when she probably doesn't even give it a second thought?

Okay so I am fat! Actually I am overweight. Maybe I need to focus on changing my lifestyle, my food patterns and my outlook rather than dwelling in self pity.

Enough is enough!!

I have to get back to my little part of this world. My special position in my family, The Murray family. I need to enjoy every minute I can with Oliver, Alex, Noel and my Mam, my wonderful Mam and Dad (in-laws), brother in-law Sean, his family and my sister Clare (we dropped the in-law tag a long time ago).

Life is definitely too short and unfortunately if can be over in an instance - you only have to watch the news for proof of that!!

Grandma arrives today.....

Cannot believe it's the 18th of December already. I just knew December was going to fly by and it has....

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My mam arrives today from Brisbane. It seems like only yesterday I found out that my uncle had purchased her fares for her as her Christmas present many weeks ago and he was still in Wales then. He's up at her place now but not coming to Melbourne for Christmas. He has made many friends up on the island so that's where he prefers to be.

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I am excited that Mam is arriving today. It has been too long since I saw her and I can't wait to have one of those mother/daughter hugs that are so special and it doesn't really matter how old you are!

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Although I am excited, I am also sad. The reason I am sad is I am not sure when I will see my mam. As it's a Thursday today she will go straight to Claire's. That's the deal we all have when she visits. During the week, when we are working she stays at Claire's as Claire doesn't work. Then she comes to us on the weekends, normally on the Friday night and then goes back to Claire's on the Monday morning. This time I am not sure whether we will see Mam on Friday night. As Mam is spending Christmas with me and my family I actually suggested to Mam that she maybe stay with Claire over the weekend so she has some family time with them.

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Plus there is the small fact that Claire and I still haven't spoken since I told her that I wasn't going to pretend to be happy families anymore. In fact, she hasn't acknowledged the SMS I sent after the last phone call. This is my text that I sent to her on 5/12/08:

"Forgot to ask when we were talking today - why? Why don't you want to associate with me or my family except for when Mam is here? Why don't you want to spend anytime with us? I suppose the overall question is - what have I done? Tell me please! Don't want to continue the way we have been. Would really like to resolve this and move on as a normal family - not a "special occassion" family. I really hope you will contact me soon but it's up to you now!"

Not too harsh I hope, just something I needed to do. The text, I suppose, was a condensed version of the letter that I sent her back in September by registered post that she didn't bother to collect from the post office and it was returned to me!!

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Needless to say - I have heard nothing. I have had no reply. I am obviously not worthy of any form of explanation or even acknowledgement. I one sense, it confirmed everything.

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Oh well, although it's eating me up inside I must not let it ruin Christmas for my family... so back to thinking happy thoughts!

Time flies when you're having fun.....

Cannot believe it has been nearly another month since I last sat down and posted. Wow where does all the time go?

For me, it is working full time, spending as much of my spare time with the kids and doing the occassion bit of house work, shopping, cooking, etc, etc. I am sure everyone knows where I am coming from.

Work at the moment is very busy with a new manager on site, training off site up in the country quarries and with the warmer weather approaching more work is being done so the trucks and the weighbridge are getting busier. I made a few trips to Carisbrook, near Bendigo, for training where I stayed a few nights. I have a few more similar trips in the pipeline prior to Christmas so I will well and truely need a New Years Break.

The kids are getting excited with the fact that Christmas is coming... not long now. I still get amazed every year at how early the Christmas decorations are put out in the shops. You nearly spend half the year looking at Christmas stuff and then celebrate it for just one day!!

Alex lost her first tooth on Melbourne Cup Day and was pleased when the tooth fairy left $10 in exchange for her little tooth. She looks really cute without her tooth and I think she is wobbling every other tooth now.

We all went to the Melbourne city a couple of weekends ago when Noel's sister Clare and her boyfriend came down from Sydney. It was great to see Clare again and to meet Ray for the first time - hopefully as a family we didn't scare him too much. The day was spent at AFL Hall of Fame, a really great place to go even if you are not a mad footy supporter. It is a musuem as well as an interactive environment, similar to Scienceworks, and it kept both the adults and the kids interest all day.

Claire, my sister, is due to have her 4th child on 14th December. I wish my relationship with her was better but I need to remember that it is a two way street. There is no closeness that I feel sisters should have which upsets me and I know it upsets my Mam. I have to be honest and say that I have given up ringing in hope of normality and actually being like sisters as my calls often go unanswered and not returned. Just when I think all is lost she rings me out of the blue. It made my day to actually think she was thinking of me. I appreciated the fact that for once she has made an effort. That was last Tuesday - suspiciously I am going to wait to see how long it takes for the next phonecall to happen. I hate myself for thinking like this!

Mam is due to arrive in Melbourne soon. She flies in on the 12th December and I am really looking forward to seeing her again. My uncle Griff and his partner Julie will be with her as they are coming out from Wales for a holiday. I haven't seen Griff since I was 18 which is 17 years ago now. Needless to say I think this Christmas will be really good with both families and the added overseas relations.

Well as you can see we have been busy and I am sure it won't slow down this side of Christmas..... oh well!!